Updated post on my new blog.... www.jensandbulte.com

Making the change.

Jump on over to jensandbulte.com for my NEW BLOG....  Entering the world of Word Press.  Oh how change can be a challenge!  Can't wait to see you all there!  Click here

www.jensandbulte.com

And then things changed...

Fear not, for I have redeemed you.  I have summoned you by name, you are mine. 

I'm pretty sure Tom had never heard me cry so hard.  I literally felt like I was gasping for air, and that I might puke.  Funny how life can change in a matter of a few hours (or maybe minutes!) 

In case you don't know, 20 days ago, my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. Well, technically it's called CNS Lymphoma, but unless medicine is your thing, it all kind of blurs together. 

Up until tonight, I have stayed away from my blog.  Kind of felt like it was a bit to raw.  Lots to process for me, and publicly didn't seem the place for that.  (Along  with caring bridge site to keep up, and other things going.) 

I can't explain the numb feeling I've had.  Not angry, not asking why, none of that.  Just floating along feeling numb.  Mostly because if I feel at all, the I cry and let my thoughts go where they needn't go.  It feels like life is going in slow motion, but that everyone else kind of just keeps going at their normal pace.  There are days you kind of want to shout, doesn't anyone see me drowning here, but then  realize - hey I'm OK.  Tom has had more than his fair share of "let me snuggle and cry myself to sleep" nights. 

You see, this always happens to someone else.  (cliche I know!)  But seriously, typically I hear about something like this and then call my mom and process with her.  (Yeah, we talk everyday, pathetic I know!)  Now it is her, and I'm in a different role.

The good thing is, all in all, we have LOTS to be optimistic about.  AND mom has a great outlook.  The bad thing is, she can say all the right words, but I know her likely better than anyone.  And when I look in her eyes, I see the fear.  I see her heart aching and her thinking she needs to be strong for me and everyone else.  But her eyes give her away.

Today was mom and dads anniversary.  44 years.  Although she says the right words, her eyes told me something else.  They told me that she is working really hard to hide her fear.  Her prognosis is great for her condition.  It's just that she is human and we all struggle with wondering - what if. 

So tonight I'm praying that the lord will arrange just what he needs to be able to say what I see in her eyes.  To be able to share with me, or dad, or my brother, or whoever will be divinely appointed.  So often, if we can say it,it takes away the scary part a bit 

Please continue to pray healing for her.  Physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  And for me too:-) 



Strong and Courageous - He's calling....



God works in some amazing ways.  I posted this verse in my last post.  Since that time, I have come across it 4 times.  SERIOUSLY....4.  Each time I just smiled.  I get it God.  It's not coincidence, it's you.  (grinning even as I write this!)   

I went back this morning and just processed it some.  In context, this was after Moses had died and God was calling Joshua into leadership.  Not once, but twice, within a couple of verses, God reassures Joshua of the call he has put before him. 

I'm like that.  I need reassuring sometimes.  I need God to tell me things, sometimes more than once.  Sometimes, 4,5,6 times.  Sometimes he does this in a matter of a week. Sometimes it is over years of learning. 

I'm so blessed to know a God who cares to weave such an intricate plan for my life.  Thank you Lord.  Really....  It's ovewhelming to think of how he loves us!

So.... I'd love for you to share.  How is God calling you to be strong and courageous.  What is he calling you to?  What has he asked you to do that you are thinking... Really?  Me God???

If you're not sure he is... listen closely.  Maybe it's the gut feeling you have, or more apparent things.  BUT HE IS CALLING YOU.....  Please leave a comment!  I'd love to be able to pray for you!   

Stil Crying Tears... BUT...

It was a little over a year ago I wrote this post.  http://simplygracejen.blogspot.com/2011/05/every-tear-i-cry.html

Tonight, I'm reminded that no one said life would be easy. No one said life would be fair.  No one said being a mom would be easy...  No one promised no more tears.  (At least not in this earthly flesh) 

I'm recalling laughter, but drawn to tears... again.  I'm rejoicing in the goodness of the Lord, and yet crying out. 

Today hurt hits my heart.  Hurt that numbs me... again....  But the smile goes on, and graduation parties are attended, and I blink... quickly... so the tears don't come. 

And the verse/song - Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous is in my head.  (btw - thanks awana teachers:-)) 

Here's the deal... I'm not so good at fake.  And I'm not so good at pretending to be happy.  But, I also love my kids and don't want them to see the tears.  Don't want them to know how worried I am about them.  It's ok that they know I am up early praying for them, it's ok that they know I am sad, it's ok that they know that I love them even when they are struggling.  It's even ok if they see me cry some. 

But....  it's not ok.  It's not ok that these attacks keep coming.  on our kids, on us, on our integrity, on our faith walk, (and on and on)  It's not ok that even when we think we have crossed hurdles, and obstacles, we digress in big ways.  It's not ok that people treat us differently for what wasn't our fault.  It's not ok. 

But.....  Our Jesus, Our God, and Our Holy Spirit.  He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  And so.... we are ok.  In fact, we are more than ok.  We don't have it all together. Our kids aren't perfect.  We have hard roads ahead of us, and lost friends behind us who haven't even asked.  BUT....  each day we learn and fall more in love with Jesus.  He holds us up.  He heals us.  He sees each tear, hears each prayer, and loves each part. 

Today, I am not just standing on my rock.  I feel like I am laying down on him.... holding on for dear life with my face to the ground.  Lord I seek your wisdom.  I need to know how to do the things I need to do to help my kids.  I need to know what to say to my husband when the attacks come, I need to know your Word, and your Truth better, so that it is the first thing that comes to mind. 

So.... I may still be crying tears, BUT, I'm also turning my eyes upward and knowing that he will sustain us.  He has blessed us SO much in the last year.  In spite of the tears, he has shown us more in one year than I ever could have imagined.  He has strengthed our marriage in ways I could only have dreampt of....  HE.... is ALL THAT MATTERS.... If I draw closer to HIM.... He will draw closer to me.  And if HE is closer to me.... his wisdom will be in my heart.... 





Living in Excess...

So... this post is written with GREAT humility.  I've been arguing with God abe about it for a couple of days and saying, really God, I get it, I don't need to share on my blog...  But, he says, I do, and so... I do. 

You see, I've been doing Spring Cleaning this week.  (yeah me!)  One of the things I decided to do was to go through ALL of our closets and clothes.  The kids helped with their items the other night, and Tom and I did our closets yesterday. (including me cleaning all the shelves and drawers and everything:-) 

A few things you should know about us first.
 1)  nearly ALL of our clothes come from 2nd hand stores.  Most of my life I have done this.  I grew up a child of the 80's farm crisis.  Need I say more?  Anyway, I'm a bit frugile and just can't justify what some items of clothing cost. 
2)  If you asked me, I would say that Tom does not have many clothes.  In fact, we have friends that joke that he only wears "free" t-shirts because that is all they ever see him in:-)   
3) I did approach this a little more 'serious' this time, than other times I've cleaned out...  But I do clean out 1-2 times/ year.  (just not to this degree:-)

SO... as we were sorting and folding and packing it up to go to the local second hand store (which by the way, allows us to have an account for HOME Ministries, so I donate under that name and then when we have people we encounter who have a need for clothing items, we just let them go and shop...) 

ok - sorry - back on focus...  As we were packing it up, I decided to keep track.  (THUS BEGINS THE 'BAD IDEA" piece)  I can honestly say that it is beyond embarassing. 

Tom                                                     Jen
Pants - 8                                               Pants - 15
Shirts - 29                                            Shirts 45
Shorts - 15                                           Shorts/Slickies - 15                                     
T-Shirts - 35                                        T-Shirts 42
Slickie's 3                                            Dresses - 10
                                                            Purses - 6
                                                            Sweaters/Sweatshirts - 38

OK - now seriously.....  that is what we got rid of.  That is beyond rediculous.  We could clothe an entire village somewhere with what we weren't even wearing.  How is it that we get that much "stuff" and don't even realize it?  Why on earth, with that many "things" in my closet would I buy ANYTHING else?  Why would I say that Tom doesn't have "any" clothe?  We live in such excess taht this seems normal?  REALLY????? 

And we aren't sitting here with empty closets and drawers.  We STILL have more clothes than we need.... 

Needless to say, God and I have spent some time talking this out...  Well, most of it was me apologizing for my life of excess.  Anyway... what I kept hearing him say is this...

Do you think you're the only one living in excess?  How many other people would have similar experiences doing the same thing? 

So... I am left with the question - what am I going to do about it?  What will I do differently?  It would seem that the obvious answer would be this - DO NOT BUY ANY MORE CLOTHES!  And that is one of the answers.  I kept thinking - so what... So I don't buy anything else.  Who does that help?  What changes in the big picture?  and on and on.... 

HOWEVER, here's where I've landed. 

Whenever I do buy anything, whatever I spend I will commit to donating the equivalent amount.  This in essence means that I'm committing to doubling the cost of everything I buy.... 

I'm still processing and hiding my face a bit.  It REALLY is humbling.  Here's what you can do to help me.... look in your closet. Do some SPRING cleaning of your own. Where is your excess?  and bettter yet... where should it be? 

Holy week and palm branches.... love watching God move.

I love Holy Week.  I think the significance of it is deeply rooted in my upbringing.  To me, it is THE most important week of the year, and we so often miss it.  It is the culmination of the hope that we have.  It's where the JOY of being a christian was birthed..... 

Anyway.... I had one of those rare ah.hah moments this past week.  Perhaps you are all a little more astute than me with your bible knowledge.  If so, bear with me! 

So... a few years ago I did some speaking around Easter time and talked about Palm Sunday and the Garden of Gethsemane (sorry for my spelling....)  One of the things that really struck me as I was preparring was the timing of Lazarus being raised from the dead (John 11)  and then Palm Sunday....  The branches that are referred to were common palm branches in biblical days.  (more to come on that...)  Only in John do we get this little bit... 

John 12:17 -  ¹⁷ Now the crowd that was him when he called Lazarus from the tomb and raised him from the dead continued to spread the word. ¹⁸ Many people, because they had heard that he had performed this sign, went out to meet him. ¹⁹ So the Pharisees said to one another, “See, this is getting us nowhere. Look how the whole world has gone after him!”

Soak this in.... when Jesus raised Lazarus, which wasn't too much before this,did he know that the crowd that had gathered for his passing would go and tell others?  It was that same crowd that stirred people to come see him here.  And it was partially because of that crowd that the Pharisees said... enough..."  Jesus knew what was coming when he raised Lazarus...  And yet it was all to fulfill the plans of his father. Prophecy that was predicted in the Old Testament. 

So.... when we are stuck at "why God" this might be a good story to come back to...  Why let him die and raise him....  Why did Jesus weep?  He was fully man and fully God....  Hard to even imagine! 

BUT.... that isn't even where I was moved at this week (Although I love sitting there for a bit!)  Palms Branches....
 

You see, I was at the  Beth Moore James study and she mentioned Revelation 7.... 

⁹ After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. ¹⁰ And they cried out in a loud voice:
“Salvation belongs to our God,
who sits on the throne,
and to the Lamb.”

Do you see the similarities???? 

One account from Matthew

Jesus Comes to Jerusalem as King from John

¹² The next day the great crowd that had come for the festival heard that Jesus was on his way to Jerusalem. ¹³ They took palm branches and went out to meet him, shouting,
“Hosanna!^[d]”
“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”^[e]
“Blessed is the king of Israel!”
¹⁴ Jesus found a young donkey and sat on it, as it is written:
¹⁵ “Do not be afraid, Daughter Zion;
see, your king is coming,
seated on a donkey’s colt.”^[f]

The triumphant entry foretold in the OT, the crowds, the palm branches and singing.... 


And in Revelation - the great multitues will have palm branches and be singing.  Hmmm..... 

My thoughts just stopped there.  Sometimes God just has this way of showing up and saying.... "See Jen... I got this.  It's all a part of a much bigger plan."  And that's just what he did.  He knocked on my heart and spoke to my spirit in such a direct way.  What we read at times as just a "nice" story in the bible has so much significance to him. 

Have you ever watched your kids get hurt and it seemed like things were moving in slow motion.  Like you just thought - hmmm.... someone is going to get hurt doing that, and then it happened and there was nothing you could do to stop it.  I imagine that is how it is with God alot.  He knows every hair on our head. He kenw when Jesus waited and then rose Lazarus that the crowd would flap their mouths and spread rumors, and that others would want to see Jesus that raised Lazarus (And I'm guessing that they were hoping to get a peek at the man raised from the dead as well!  Wouldn't you?) 

So if that was his plan then, you know he has something really cool in mind for the second coming and how that all fits together.  Palm Branches and singing sounds like an awesome start to me. 

"Father God, I praise you for how you knit this all together so beautifully, and for how you reveal yourself to us.  As we seek to know and understand you more, we're so excited to grow in our understanding of you.  How cool....  God, please continue to reveal to us nuggets in your truth that will make us see things in new and different ways." 

Spiritual Desert

I have been feeling like I'm in a desert lately.  I contnue to press in to God, but just don't feel the Lord pouring back out on me.  He's being rather silent.  Or so it seems.  Thin we have all had times that we felt that way... 

I was reading in "A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope (www.reneeswope.com)  (As a side note, Renee is our speaker for COMPEL 2013!)  Anyway... was reading our lesson for this week, and God just spoke so clearly about my desert. 



Renee writes...
"I was studying about Jesus being the bread of life.  Then I cross-referenced the Old Testament where God provided manna in the desert for the Israelites, which was their "bread of life."  I thought about spiritual deserts we go through and how God wants his Word to be the manna in our deserts and tough times." 

It was like she wrote this part just for me.... OK - so maybe it wasn't her...  God wrote it just for me.  He clearly spoke to me that during this desert he wants me in his word.  That will be my manna.  He has great things in store, and in order to be prepared for that, I need to be still and soak in Him.

Do you ever have those times.  When you know that you need to press in, and yet you feel dry.  You want to hear from the Lord, and you feel he is quiet.  You know the Holy Spirit is moving, but you're not sensing it.   I honestly was so frustrated that even though I knew that God loved me and was speaking to me, I was just frustrated. 

And then, just a nugget.  God blessed me with just a nugget.  Not just the words that Renee wrote, but how he spoke to me through them.  I still feel like I"m in the desert and that God has me in a season of preparation.  And most importantly, I know that it is ok.  It's not me.  I'm not doing anything wrong...  I just need to keep pressing on! 

From sea to shining sea.... glass!

He gathers the waters of the sea into jars^[;
he puts the deep into storehouses... Ps 33:7

So... I've fallen in love with Pinterest.  You see, I'm a common girl.  I grew up on a farm during the 80's.  (If you're not a farm girl... that means farm crisis and little money)  I shop for most of my clothes at second hand stores still, and I love DIY projects and repurposing things.  I feel like God has blessed me in so many ways, but he still asks me to be a good steward of what he has blessed me with. 

This is my latest project.  I have spent the last 2 days on the couch pretty sick, and my little ones were needing some attention and activity.  So... I pulled up this paint idea and got out the little glass bottles I have been saving, and put them to work.  They had a hay day!   

These little gems are going to sit on our front porch. Not only are they pretty cute, but each time I come in the front door, I will remember them sitting and painting and giggling.  Caleb and Emma had a blast.  (Carter opted out!)  I promise to post an "after" photo when my little springy decorating is done! 

Psalm 33:7 says he gathers the sea into jars....  and so much more.  I love the entire Psalm 33.....  read it for yourself! 

Psalm 33

¹ Sing joyfully to the LORD, you righteous;

it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
² Praise the LORD with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
³ Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy.
⁴ For the word of the LORD is right and true;
he is faithful in all he does.
⁵ The LORD loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.
⁶ By the word of the LORD the heavens were made,
their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
⁷ He gathers the waters of the sea into jars^[a];
he puts the deep into storehouses.
⁸ Let all the earth fear the LORD;
let all the people of the world revere him.
⁹ For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.
¹⁰ The LORD foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
¹¹ But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.
¹² Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
the people he chose for his inheritance.
¹³ From heaven the LORD looks down
and sees all mankind;
¹⁴ from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth—
¹⁵ he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.
¹⁶ No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
¹⁷ A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.
¹⁸ But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
¹⁹ to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.
²⁰ We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
²¹ In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
²² May your unfailing love be with us, LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.

He Knows My Name... Full Circle

Full Circle...He does that you know... He has this way of doing things and bringing them back full circle.  This blog was birthed out of God moving in my life and leading me to one of the sweetest treats... Read all about it here...


http://www.simplygracejen.blogspot.com/2009/08/nevertheless-gods-solid-foundation.html#links


Mary Banks...  is now a friend on facebook and we casually chat.  She hasn't become my greatest confidant...  But... she is a constant reminder that "God Knows My  Name."  Each time she posts and I get an update on her page, I can't help but smile.  All the more lately.

2011 was a hard year for me, I'm not going to lie.  But in that.  In my deepest times, when Satan was speaking lies to me...  The God of the Universe knew my name.  I won't say that I haven't cried tears often, but I will say that he carried me and blessed me.  Yes... blessed me. 

You see...  he cares about my circumstances.  And he took the time to show me that in a way I can't even begin to explain.  In doing so, he also shared a bit of his heart for the victims of human traffficking. 

Many of you know I help lead the Compel Women's Conference (www.compelconference.org)  Well after last January's conference we met and laid out our theme for this year.  You guessed it... HE KNOWS MY NAME.  We had already lined up 2 fantastic speakers to speak on abandonment, human trafficking and most importantly RESTORATION....  At that point, I didn't know that my family would be in need of some of that very restoration in such a major way. 

As we walked through 2011, he led us on a journey like none before.  To see his had so clearly upon things and using them for his good, even though they seemed devestating was an assurance to me that HE knows each of our names and that is just the begining of what he knows about us....

I have been able to walk alongside a client who was held captive in so many ways....  many of which I would label trafficking.  I've walked through tough stuff with Emma, I've been able to attend conferences that speak to the issue of trafficking and make connections.  And I begin a season of preparation. 

We are just a couple weeks out from the conference now, and I'm reflecting.  You see, in 2009 when I met Mary Banks and in 2005-2006 when I first say her article in that magazine and checked her out...  Even then, God was preparing me and working through his plan.  WHAT IF... I hadn't listened.  What if I never checked her out, or e-mailed her in boldness to see how I could pray for her.  What if I hadn't been bold enough to speak to her at the conference and see if she remembered me?  God would still have moved, but I'd have missed out on so much blessing of know him more.  You see, it's not about Mary Banks.... it's about God speaking to me and loving me.  He wants that with each of us...

One of the songs on my blog is "I want to be in Eden."  It's a reminder to me that God brings things full circle and that we will be in an eternal "Eden" because of what he has done for us.  And we read in Revelation that he has a new name for us that only he knows... written on a white stone.  That gives us an entirely new way of thinking of "He Knows My Name."  Ponder that for a while... 


Thank you Jesus. Thank you for how you orchestrate things that we can't even imagine. How if we wait patiently for you, you bring things full circle. God I'm sorry for the plans that you had for me that I missed because I wasn't listening.   And Jesus, I can't wait for heaven, for "eden".  I can't wait to see the name you have written for me.  Use me as a blessing during my earthly time...