Every Tear I Cry...

 My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; - Job 16:20


Some weeks are just like that.  This past week was one for the record books.  Attack came at me from every direction.  I can't even begin to tell you in a public forum what all happened.  From a very random attack on fidelity in my marriage, to financial and emotional stress over things that are way beyond our control, to horrendous things that still make me sick to my stomach, Satan has been a busy boy paying attention to this household.  As I took time today to reflect on it all, I'm overcome with a sadness for those people in this world who live everyday with out God.  I can't imagine what gets them through the tough times, or what causes them rejoicing so real it feels as if you'll burst. 

I consider myself a pretty strong woman emotionally.  I tend to think through and work through issues fairly well on my own.  This week, was a week for falling apart.  By Thursday night, I was shutting down.  Praise God for a close list of intercessors that can handle whatever I send their way.  For those of you that know me asking for prayer and to be left alone (like, I don't want to talk right now..) is VERY rare.  I shot off an e-mail through a blur of tears, and then sucummed to a flurry of tears and emotions.  My God is real, and he wants me to be real with him.  He's not a real God that wants fake people.  He wants me just as I am, and at that point, I was a mess.  My first cry was that he bring Tom home, as I didn't know that I could continue to do it without him.  (He was on business in Omaha and had texted saying he thought he might have to spend another night)  In a manner of minutes, I had gotten a call from Tom saying he was on the road.  (Smile - God cares about all the details!) 

As I shed the tears that had been piling up from trying to be brave, God met me right where I was at.  Nothing changed, but knowing He was there with me was all I needed.  I still was sad and sickened and scared and angry.  But, I also knew that God was working.  (even if I didn't "see" it right then)  He didn't cause any of the yuck, but he always uses it for good. 

Well... you see, my God loves me.  And he knew that this wasn't one of those times when I would catch subtle things.  So, he sent a messenger.  On Friday I was a part of a prayer meeting that had me filled up to a new level of ok.  (all by someone I had never met before)  In true human nature, by Friday night I was back to tearful!  (And I believe God was right there crying with me!) 

This morning, sitting in church, listening to sermon on missions and considering all my family had walked through in the last 3 months (and the last week) I was doing the quick blink thing again.  And from deep within he moved, and began to show me pieces of himself.  Honestly, I caught glimpses of God that I had never experienced before.  I understood bits of him and his emotion that I can't fathom having the privilege to know.  He was sharing a bit of his heart with me.  And, it changes everything. 

Now, the circumstances are still the same, but knowing how his heart hurts in this gives me a different outlook. 
My sweet sister in Christ, Lysa TerKeurst spoke these words at the Compel Conference in January.  Satan, you shall not pass.  Little did I know how I would fall back on those words written on my heart.  Satan.... you.... shall.... not.... pass....  You can attack, you can be ugly, but.... My GOD is the REAL GOD... and he will prevail. 

Begin to heal God.  Make Beauty from ashes and put anew song in my heart.  Give me Love, Joy, Peace and righteousness in the holy spirit.  Thank you lord for the gift of music and how you've written it on my heart so that your scripture is spoken even in times of sadness!