Stil Crying Tears... BUT...

It was a little over a year ago I wrote this post.  http://simplygracejen.blogspot.com/2011/05/every-tear-i-cry.html

Tonight, I'm reminded that no one said life would be easy. No one said life would be fair.  No one said being a mom would be easy...  No one promised no more tears.  (At least not in this earthly flesh) 

I'm recalling laughter, but drawn to tears... again.  I'm rejoicing in the goodness of the Lord, and yet crying out. 

Today hurt hits my heart.  Hurt that numbs me... again....  But the smile goes on, and graduation parties are attended, and I blink... quickly... so the tears don't come. 

And the verse/song - Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous is in my head.  (btw - thanks awana teachers:-)) 

Here's the deal... I'm not so good at fake.  And I'm not so good at pretending to be happy.  But, I also love my kids and don't want them to see the tears.  Don't want them to know how worried I am about them.  It's ok that they know I am up early praying for them, it's ok that they know I am sad, it's ok that they know that I love them even when they are struggling.  It's even ok if they see me cry some. 

But....  it's not ok.  It's not ok that these attacks keep coming.  on our kids, on us, on our integrity, on our faith walk, (and on and on)  It's not ok that even when we think we have crossed hurdles, and obstacles, we digress in big ways.  It's not ok that people treat us differently for what wasn't our fault.  It's not ok. 

But.....  Our Jesus, Our God, and Our Holy Spirit.  He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  And so.... we are ok.  In fact, we are more than ok.  We don't have it all together. Our kids aren't perfect.  We have hard roads ahead of us, and lost friends behind us who haven't even asked.  BUT....  each day we learn and fall more in love with Jesus.  He holds us up.  He heals us.  He sees each tear, hears each prayer, and loves each part. 

Today, I am not just standing on my rock.  I feel like I am laying down on him.... holding on for dear life with my face to the ground.  Lord I seek your wisdom.  I need to know how to do the things I need to do to help my kids.  I need to know what to say to my husband when the attacks come, I need to know your Word, and your Truth better, so that it is the first thing that comes to mind. 

So.... I may still be crying tears, BUT, I'm also turning my eyes upward and knowing that he will sustain us.  He has blessed us SO much in the last year.  In spite of the tears, he has shown us more in one year than I ever could have imagined.  He has strengthed our marriage in ways I could only have dreampt of....  HE.... is ALL THAT MATTERS.... If I draw closer to HIM.... He will draw closer to me.  And if HE is closer to me.... his wisdom will be in my heart....