Stil Crying Tears... BUT...

It was a little over a year ago I wrote this post.  http://simplygracejen.blogspot.com/2011/05/every-tear-i-cry.html

Tonight, I'm reminded that no one said life would be easy. No one said life would be fair.  No one said being a mom would be easy...  No one promised no more tears.  (At least not in this earthly flesh) 

I'm recalling laughter, but drawn to tears... again.  I'm rejoicing in the goodness of the Lord, and yet crying out. 

Today hurt hits my heart.  Hurt that numbs me... again....  But the smile goes on, and graduation parties are attended, and I blink... quickly... so the tears don't come. 

And the verse/song - Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous is in my head.  (btw - thanks awana teachers:-)) 

Here's the deal... I'm not so good at fake.  And I'm not so good at pretending to be happy.  But, I also love my kids and don't want them to see the tears.  Don't want them to know how worried I am about them.  It's ok that they know I am up early praying for them, it's ok that they know I am sad, it's ok that they know that I love them even when they are struggling.  It's even ok if they see me cry some. 

But....  it's not ok.  It's not ok that these attacks keep coming.  on our kids, on us, on our integrity, on our faith walk, (and on and on)  It's not ok that even when we think we have crossed hurdles, and obstacles, we digress in big ways.  It's not ok that people treat us differently for what wasn't our fault.  It's not ok. 

But.....  Our Jesus, Our God, and Our Holy Spirit.  He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  And so.... we are ok.  In fact, we are more than ok.  We don't have it all together. Our kids aren't perfect.  We have hard roads ahead of us, and lost friends behind us who haven't even asked.  BUT....  each day we learn and fall more in love with Jesus.  He holds us up.  He heals us.  He sees each tear, hears each prayer, and loves each part. 

Today, I am not just standing on my rock.  I feel like I am laying down on him.... holding on for dear life with my face to the ground.  Lord I seek your wisdom.  I need to know how to do the things I need to do to help my kids.  I need to know what to say to my husband when the attacks come, I need to know your Word, and your Truth better, so that it is the first thing that comes to mind. 

So.... I may still be crying tears, BUT, I'm also turning my eyes upward and knowing that he will sustain us.  He has blessed us SO much in the last year.  In spite of the tears, he has shown us more in one year than I ever could have imagined.  He has strengthed our marriage in ways I could only have dreampt of....  HE.... is ALL THAT MATTERS.... If I draw closer to HIM.... He will draw closer to me.  And if HE is closer to me.... his wisdom will be in my heart.... 





Living in Excess...

So... this post is written with GREAT humility.  I've been arguing with God abe about it for a couple of days and saying, really God, I get it, I don't need to share on my blog...  But, he says, I do, and so... I do. 

You see, I've been doing Spring Cleaning this week.  (yeah me!)  One of the things I decided to do was to go through ALL of our closets and clothes.  The kids helped with their items the other night, and Tom and I did our closets yesterday. (including me cleaning all the shelves and drawers and everything:-) 

A few things you should know about us first.
 1)  nearly ALL of our clothes come from 2nd hand stores.  Most of my life I have done this.  I grew up a child of the 80's farm crisis.  Need I say more?  Anyway, I'm a bit frugile and just can't justify what some items of clothing cost. 
2)  If you asked me, I would say that Tom does not have many clothes.  In fact, we have friends that joke that he only wears "free" t-shirts because that is all they ever see him in:-)   
3) I did approach this a little more 'serious' this time, than other times I've cleaned out...  But I do clean out 1-2 times/ year.  (just not to this degree:-)

SO... as we were sorting and folding and packing it up to go to the local second hand store (which by the way, allows us to have an account for HOME Ministries, so I donate under that name and then when we have people we encounter who have a need for clothing items, we just let them go and shop...) 

ok - sorry - back on focus...  As we were packing it up, I decided to keep track.  (THUS BEGINS THE 'BAD IDEA" piece)  I can honestly say that it is beyond embarassing. 

Tom                                                     Jen
Pants - 8                                               Pants - 15
Shirts - 29                                            Shirts 45
Shorts - 15                                           Shorts/Slickies - 15                                     
T-Shirts - 35                                        T-Shirts 42
Slickie's 3                                            Dresses - 10
                                                            Purses - 6
                                                            Sweaters/Sweatshirts - 38

OK - now seriously.....  that is what we got rid of.  That is beyond rediculous.  We could clothe an entire village somewhere with what we weren't even wearing.  How is it that we get that much "stuff" and don't even realize it?  Why on earth, with that many "things" in my closet would I buy ANYTHING else?  Why would I say that Tom doesn't have "any" clothe?  We live in such excess taht this seems normal?  REALLY????? 

And we aren't sitting here with empty closets and drawers.  We STILL have more clothes than we need.... 

Needless to say, God and I have spent some time talking this out...  Well, most of it was me apologizing for my life of excess.  Anyway... what I kept hearing him say is this...

Do you think you're the only one living in excess?  How many other people would have similar experiences doing the same thing? 

So... I am left with the question - what am I going to do about it?  What will I do differently?  It would seem that the obvious answer would be this - DO NOT BUY ANY MORE CLOTHES!  And that is one of the answers.  I kept thinking - so what... So I don't buy anything else.  Who does that help?  What changes in the big picture?  and on and on.... 

HOWEVER, here's where I've landed. 

Whenever I do buy anything, whatever I spend I will commit to donating the equivalent amount.  This in essence means that I'm committing to doubling the cost of everything I buy.... 

I'm still processing and hiding my face a bit.  It REALLY is humbling.  Here's what you can do to help me.... look in your closet. Do some SPRING cleaning of your own. Where is your excess?  and bettter yet... where should it be? 

Holy week and palm branches.... love watching God move.

I love Holy Week.  I think the significance of it is deeply rooted in my upbringing.  To me, it is THE most important week of the year, and we so often miss it.  It is the culmination of the hope that we have.  It's where the JOY of being a christian was birthed..... 

Anyway.... I had one of those rare ah.hah moments this past week.  Perhaps you are all a little more astute than me with your bible knowledge.  If so, bear with me! 

So... a few years ago I did some speaking around Easter time and talked about Palm Sunday and the Garden of Gethsemane (sorry for my spelling....)  One of the things that really struck me as I was preparring was the timing of Lazarus being raised from the dead (John 11)  and then Palm Sunday....  The branches that are referred to were common palm branches in biblical days.  (more to come on that...)  Only in John do we get this little bit... 

John 12:17 -  ¹⁷ Now the crowd that was him when he called Lazarus from the tomb and raised him from the dead continued to spread the word. ¹⁸ Many people, because they had heard that he had performed this sign, went out to meet him. ¹⁹ So the Pharisees said to one another, “See, this is getting us nowhere. Look how the whole world has gone after him!”

Soak this in.... when Jesus raised Lazarus, which wasn't too much before this,did he know that the crowd that had gathered for his passing would go and tell others?  It was that same crowd that stirred people to come see him here.  And it was partially because of that crowd that the Pharisees said... enough..."  Jesus knew what was coming when he raised Lazarus...  And yet it was all to fulfill the plans of his father. Prophecy that was predicted in the Old Testament. 

So.... when we are stuck at "why God" this might be a good story to come back to...  Why let him die and raise him....  Why did Jesus weep?  He was fully man and fully God....  Hard to even imagine! 

BUT.... that isn't even where I was moved at this week (Although I love sitting there for a bit!)  Palms Branches....
 

You see, I was at the  Beth Moore James study and she mentioned Revelation 7.... 

⁹ After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. ¹⁰ And they cried out in a loud voice:
“Salvation belongs to our God,
who sits on the throne,
and to the Lamb.”

Do you see the similarities???? 

One account from Matthew

Jesus Comes to Jerusalem as King from John

¹² The next day the great crowd that had come for the festival heard that Jesus was on his way to Jerusalem. ¹³ They took palm branches and went out to meet him, shouting,
“Hosanna!^[d]”
“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”^[e]
“Blessed is the king of Israel!”
¹⁴ Jesus found a young donkey and sat on it, as it is written:
¹⁵ “Do not be afraid, Daughter Zion;
see, your king is coming,
seated on a donkey’s colt.”^[f]

The triumphant entry foretold in the OT, the crowds, the palm branches and singing.... 


And in Revelation - the great multitues will have palm branches and be singing.  Hmmm..... 

My thoughts just stopped there.  Sometimes God just has this way of showing up and saying.... "See Jen... I got this.  It's all a part of a much bigger plan."  And that's just what he did.  He knocked on my heart and spoke to my spirit in such a direct way.  What we read at times as just a "nice" story in the bible has so much significance to him. 

Have you ever watched your kids get hurt and it seemed like things were moving in slow motion.  Like you just thought - hmmm.... someone is going to get hurt doing that, and then it happened and there was nothing you could do to stop it.  I imagine that is how it is with God alot.  He knows every hair on our head. He kenw when Jesus waited and then rose Lazarus that the crowd would flap their mouths and spread rumors, and that others would want to see Jesus that raised Lazarus (And I'm guessing that they were hoping to get a peek at the man raised from the dead as well!  Wouldn't you?) 

So if that was his plan then, you know he has something really cool in mind for the second coming and how that all fits together.  Palm Branches and singing sounds like an awesome start to me. 

"Father God, I praise you for how you knit this all together so beautifully, and for how you reveal yourself to us.  As we seek to know and understand you more, we're so excited to grow in our understanding of you.  How cool....  God, please continue to reveal to us nuggets in your truth that will make us see things in new and different ways."