Updated post on my new blog.... www.jensandbulte.com

Making the change.

Jump on over to jensandbulte.com for my NEW BLOG....  Entering the world of Word Press.  Oh how change can be a challenge!  Can't wait to see you all there!  Click here

www.jensandbulte.com

And then things changed...

Fear not, for I have redeemed you.  I have summoned you by name, you are mine. 

I'm pretty sure Tom had never heard me cry so hard.  I literally felt like I was gasping for air, and that I might puke.  Funny how life can change in a matter of a few hours (or maybe minutes!) 

In case you don't know, 20 days ago, my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. Well, technically it's called CNS Lymphoma, but unless medicine is your thing, it all kind of blurs together. 

Up until tonight, I have stayed away from my blog.  Kind of felt like it was a bit to raw.  Lots to process for me, and publicly didn't seem the place for that.  (Along  with caring bridge site to keep up, and other things going.) 

I can't explain the numb feeling I've had.  Not angry, not asking why, none of that.  Just floating along feeling numb.  Mostly because if I feel at all, the I cry and let my thoughts go where they needn't go.  It feels like life is going in slow motion, but that everyone else kind of just keeps going at their normal pace.  There are days you kind of want to shout, doesn't anyone see me drowning here, but then  realize - hey I'm OK.  Tom has had more than his fair share of "let me snuggle and cry myself to sleep" nights. 

You see, this always happens to someone else.  (cliche I know!)  But seriously, typically I hear about something like this and then call my mom and process with her.  (Yeah, we talk everyday, pathetic I know!)  Now it is her, and I'm in a different role.

The good thing is, all in all, we have LOTS to be optimistic about.  AND mom has a great outlook.  The bad thing is, she can say all the right words, but I know her likely better than anyone.  And when I look in her eyes, I see the fear.  I see her heart aching and her thinking she needs to be strong for me and everyone else.  But her eyes give her away.

Today was mom and dads anniversary.  44 years.  Although she says the right words, her eyes told me something else.  They told me that she is working really hard to hide her fear.  Her prognosis is great for her condition.  It's just that she is human and we all struggle with wondering - what if. 

So tonight I'm praying that the lord will arrange just what he needs to be able to say what I see in her eyes.  To be able to share with me, or dad, or my brother, or whoever will be divinely appointed.  So often, if we can say it,it takes away the scary part a bit 

Please continue to pray healing for her.  Physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  And for me too:-) 



Strong and Courageous - He's calling....



God works in some amazing ways.  I posted this verse in my last post.  Since that time, I have come across it 4 times.  SERIOUSLY....4.  Each time I just smiled.  I get it God.  It's not coincidence, it's you.  (grinning even as I write this!)   

I went back this morning and just processed it some.  In context, this was after Moses had died and God was calling Joshua into leadership.  Not once, but twice, within a couple of verses, God reassures Joshua of the call he has put before him. 

I'm like that.  I need reassuring sometimes.  I need God to tell me things, sometimes more than once.  Sometimes, 4,5,6 times.  Sometimes he does this in a matter of a week. Sometimes it is over years of learning. 

I'm so blessed to know a God who cares to weave such an intricate plan for my life.  Thank you Lord.  Really....  It's ovewhelming to think of how he loves us!

So.... I'd love for you to share.  How is God calling you to be strong and courageous.  What is he calling you to?  What has he asked you to do that you are thinking... Really?  Me God???

If you're not sure he is... listen closely.  Maybe it's the gut feeling you have, or more apparent things.  BUT HE IS CALLING YOU.....  Please leave a comment!  I'd love to be able to pray for you!   

Stil Crying Tears... BUT...

It was a little over a year ago I wrote this post.  http://simplygracejen.blogspot.com/2011/05/every-tear-i-cry.html

Tonight, I'm reminded that no one said life would be easy. No one said life would be fair.  No one said being a mom would be easy...  No one promised no more tears.  (At least not in this earthly flesh) 

I'm recalling laughter, but drawn to tears... again.  I'm rejoicing in the goodness of the Lord, and yet crying out. 

Today hurt hits my heart.  Hurt that numbs me... again....  But the smile goes on, and graduation parties are attended, and I blink... quickly... so the tears don't come. 

And the verse/song - Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous is in my head.  (btw - thanks awana teachers:-)) 

Here's the deal... I'm not so good at fake.  And I'm not so good at pretending to be happy.  But, I also love my kids and don't want them to see the tears.  Don't want them to know how worried I am about them.  It's ok that they know I am up early praying for them, it's ok that they know I am sad, it's ok that they know that I love them even when they are struggling.  It's even ok if they see me cry some. 

But....  it's not ok.  It's not ok that these attacks keep coming.  on our kids, on us, on our integrity, on our faith walk, (and on and on)  It's not ok that even when we think we have crossed hurdles, and obstacles, we digress in big ways.  It's not ok that people treat us differently for what wasn't our fault.  It's not ok. 

But.....  Our Jesus, Our God, and Our Holy Spirit.  He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  And so.... we are ok.  In fact, we are more than ok.  We don't have it all together. Our kids aren't perfect.  We have hard roads ahead of us, and lost friends behind us who haven't even asked.  BUT....  each day we learn and fall more in love with Jesus.  He holds us up.  He heals us.  He sees each tear, hears each prayer, and loves each part. 

Today, I am not just standing on my rock.  I feel like I am laying down on him.... holding on for dear life with my face to the ground.  Lord I seek your wisdom.  I need to know how to do the things I need to do to help my kids.  I need to know what to say to my husband when the attacks come, I need to know your Word, and your Truth better, so that it is the first thing that comes to mind. 

So.... I may still be crying tears, BUT, I'm also turning my eyes upward and knowing that he will sustain us.  He has blessed us SO much in the last year.  In spite of the tears, he has shown us more in one year than I ever could have imagined.  He has strengthed our marriage in ways I could only have dreampt of....  HE.... is ALL THAT MATTERS.... If I draw closer to HIM.... He will draw closer to me.  And if HE is closer to me.... his wisdom will be in my heart.... 





Living in Excess...

So... this post is written with GREAT humility.  I've been arguing with God abe about it for a couple of days and saying, really God, I get it, I don't need to share on my blog...  But, he says, I do, and so... I do. 

You see, I've been doing Spring Cleaning this week.  (yeah me!)  One of the things I decided to do was to go through ALL of our closets and clothes.  The kids helped with their items the other night, and Tom and I did our closets yesterday. (including me cleaning all the shelves and drawers and everything:-) 

A few things you should know about us first.
 1)  nearly ALL of our clothes come from 2nd hand stores.  Most of my life I have done this.  I grew up a child of the 80's farm crisis.  Need I say more?  Anyway, I'm a bit frugile and just can't justify what some items of clothing cost. 
2)  If you asked me, I would say that Tom does not have many clothes.  In fact, we have friends that joke that he only wears "free" t-shirts because that is all they ever see him in:-)   
3) I did approach this a little more 'serious' this time, than other times I've cleaned out...  But I do clean out 1-2 times/ year.  (just not to this degree:-)

SO... as we were sorting and folding and packing it up to go to the local second hand store (which by the way, allows us to have an account for HOME Ministries, so I donate under that name and then when we have people we encounter who have a need for clothing items, we just let them go and shop...) 

ok - sorry - back on focus...  As we were packing it up, I decided to keep track.  (THUS BEGINS THE 'BAD IDEA" piece)  I can honestly say that it is beyond embarassing. 

Tom                                                     Jen
Pants - 8                                               Pants - 15
Shirts - 29                                            Shirts 45
Shorts - 15                                           Shorts/Slickies - 15                                     
T-Shirts - 35                                        T-Shirts 42
Slickie's 3                                            Dresses - 10
                                                            Purses - 6
                                                            Sweaters/Sweatshirts - 38

OK - now seriously.....  that is what we got rid of.  That is beyond rediculous.  We could clothe an entire village somewhere with what we weren't even wearing.  How is it that we get that much "stuff" and don't even realize it?  Why on earth, with that many "things" in my closet would I buy ANYTHING else?  Why would I say that Tom doesn't have "any" clothe?  We live in such excess taht this seems normal?  REALLY????? 

And we aren't sitting here with empty closets and drawers.  We STILL have more clothes than we need.... 

Needless to say, God and I have spent some time talking this out...  Well, most of it was me apologizing for my life of excess.  Anyway... what I kept hearing him say is this...

Do you think you're the only one living in excess?  How many other people would have similar experiences doing the same thing? 

So... I am left with the question - what am I going to do about it?  What will I do differently?  It would seem that the obvious answer would be this - DO NOT BUY ANY MORE CLOTHES!  And that is one of the answers.  I kept thinking - so what... So I don't buy anything else.  Who does that help?  What changes in the big picture?  and on and on.... 

HOWEVER, here's where I've landed. 

Whenever I do buy anything, whatever I spend I will commit to donating the equivalent amount.  This in essence means that I'm committing to doubling the cost of everything I buy.... 

I'm still processing and hiding my face a bit.  It REALLY is humbling.  Here's what you can do to help me.... look in your closet. Do some SPRING cleaning of your own. Where is your excess?  and bettter yet... where should it be? 

Holy week and palm branches.... love watching God move.

I love Holy Week.  I think the significance of it is deeply rooted in my upbringing.  To me, it is THE most important week of the year, and we so often miss it.  It is the culmination of the hope that we have.  It's where the JOY of being a christian was birthed..... 

Anyway.... I had one of those rare ah.hah moments this past week.  Perhaps you are all a little more astute than me with your bible knowledge.  If so, bear with me! 

So... a few years ago I did some speaking around Easter time and talked about Palm Sunday and the Garden of Gethsemane (sorry for my spelling....)  One of the things that really struck me as I was preparring was the timing of Lazarus being raised from the dead (John 11)  and then Palm Sunday....  The branches that are referred to were common palm branches in biblical days.  (more to come on that...)  Only in John do we get this little bit... 

John 12:17 -  ¹⁷ Now the crowd that was him when he called Lazarus from the tomb and raised him from the dead continued to spread the word. ¹⁸ Many people, because they had heard that he had performed this sign, went out to meet him. ¹⁹ So the Pharisees said to one another, “See, this is getting us nowhere. Look how the whole world has gone after him!”

Soak this in.... when Jesus raised Lazarus, which wasn't too much before this,did he know that the crowd that had gathered for his passing would go and tell others?  It was that same crowd that stirred people to come see him here.  And it was partially because of that crowd that the Pharisees said... enough..."  Jesus knew what was coming when he raised Lazarus...  And yet it was all to fulfill the plans of his father. Prophecy that was predicted in the Old Testament. 

So.... when we are stuck at "why God" this might be a good story to come back to...  Why let him die and raise him....  Why did Jesus weep?  He was fully man and fully God....  Hard to even imagine! 

BUT.... that isn't even where I was moved at this week (Although I love sitting there for a bit!)  Palms Branches....
 

You see, I was at the  Beth Moore James study and she mentioned Revelation 7.... 

⁹ After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. ¹⁰ And they cried out in a loud voice:
“Salvation belongs to our God,
who sits on the throne,
and to the Lamb.”

Do you see the similarities???? 

One account from Matthew

Jesus Comes to Jerusalem as King from John

¹² The next day the great crowd that had come for the festival heard that Jesus was on his way to Jerusalem. ¹³ They took palm branches and went out to meet him, shouting,
“Hosanna!^[d]”
“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”^[e]
“Blessed is the king of Israel!”
¹⁴ Jesus found a young donkey and sat on it, as it is written:
¹⁵ “Do not be afraid, Daughter Zion;
see, your king is coming,
seated on a donkey’s colt.”^[f]

The triumphant entry foretold in the OT, the crowds, the palm branches and singing.... 


And in Revelation - the great multitues will have palm branches and be singing.  Hmmm..... 

My thoughts just stopped there.  Sometimes God just has this way of showing up and saying.... "See Jen... I got this.  It's all a part of a much bigger plan."  And that's just what he did.  He knocked on my heart and spoke to my spirit in such a direct way.  What we read at times as just a "nice" story in the bible has so much significance to him. 

Have you ever watched your kids get hurt and it seemed like things were moving in slow motion.  Like you just thought - hmmm.... someone is going to get hurt doing that, and then it happened and there was nothing you could do to stop it.  I imagine that is how it is with God alot.  He knows every hair on our head. He kenw when Jesus waited and then rose Lazarus that the crowd would flap their mouths and spread rumors, and that others would want to see Jesus that raised Lazarus (And I'm guessing that they were hoping to get a peek at the man raised from the dead as well!  Wouldn't you?) 

So if that was his plan then, you know he has something really cool in mind for the second coming and how that all fits together.  Palm Branches and singing sounds like an awesome start to me. 

"Father God, I praise you for how you knit this all together so beautifully, and for how you reveal yourself to us.  As we seek to know and understand you more, we're so excited to grow in our understanding of you.  How cool....  God, please continue to reveal to us nuggets in your truth that will make us see things in new and different ways." 

Spiritual Desert

I have been feeling like I'm in a desert lately.  I contnue to press in to God, but just don't feel the Lord pouring back out on me.  He's being rather silent.  Or so it seems.  Thin we have all had times that we felt that way... 

I was reading in "A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope (www.reneeswope.com)  (As a side note, Renee is our speaker for COMPEL 2013!)  Anyway... was reading our lesson for this week, and God just spoke so clearly about my desert. 



Renee writes...
"I was studying about Jesus being the bread of life.  Then I cross-referenced the Old Testament where God provided manna in the desert for the Israelites, which was their "bread of life."  I thought about spiritual deserts we go through and how God wants his Word to be the manna in our deserts and tough times." 

It was like she wrote this part just for me.... OK - so maybe it wasn't her...  God wrote it just for me.  He clearly spoke to me that during this desert he wants me in his word.  That will be my manna.  He has great things in store, and in order to be prepared for that, I need to be still and soak in Him.

Do you ever have those times.  When you know that you need to press in, and yet you feel dry.  You want to hear from the Lord, and you feel he is quiet.  You know the Holy Spirit is moving, but you're not sensing it.   I honestly was so frustrated that even though I knew that God loved me and was speaking to me, I was just frustrated. 

And then, just a nugget.  God blessed me with just a nugget.  Not just the words that Renee wrote, but how he spoke to me through them.  I still feel like I"m in the desert and that God has me in a season of preparation.  And most importantly, I know that it is ok.  It's not me.  I'm not doing anything wrong...  I just need to keep pressing on! 

From sea to shining sea.... glass!

He gathers the waters of the sea into jars^[;
he puts the deep into storehouses... Ps 33:7

So... I've fallen in love with Pinterest.  You see, I'm a common girl.  I grew up on a farm during the 80's.  (If you're not a farm girl... that means farm crisis and little money)  I shop for most of my clothes at second hand stores still, and I love DIY projects and repurposing things.  I feel like God has blessed me in so many ways, but he still asks me to be a good steward of what he has blessed me with. 

This is my latest project.  I have spent the last 2 days on the couch pretty sick, and my little ones were needing some attention and activity.  So... I pulled up this paint idea and got out the little glass bottles I have been saving, and put them to work.  They had a hay day!   

These little gems are going to sit on our front porch. Not only are they pretty cute, but each time I come in the front door, I will remember them sitting and painting and giggling.  Caleb and Emma had a blast.  (Carter opted out!)  I promise to post an "after" photo when my little springy decorating is done! 

Psalm 33:7 says he gathers the sea into jars....  and so much more.  I love the entire Psalm 33.....  read it for yourself! 

Psalm 33

¹ Sing joyfully to the LORD, you righteous;

it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
² Praise the LORD with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
³ Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy.
⁴ For the word of the LORD is right and true;
he is faithful in all he does.
⁵ The LORD loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.
⁶ By the word of the LORD the heavens were made,
their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
⁷ He gathers the waters of the sea into jars^[a];
he puts the deep into storehouses.
⁸ Let all the earth fear the LORD;
let all the people of the world revere him.
⁹ For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.
¹⁰ The LORD foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
¹¹ But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.
¹² Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
the people he chose for his inheritance.
¹³ From heaven the LORD looks down
and sees all mankind;
¹⁴ from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth—
¹⁵ he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.
¹⁶ No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
¹⁷ A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.
¹⁸ But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
¹⁹ to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.
²⁰ We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
²¹ In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
²² May your unfailing love be with us, LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.

He Knows My Name... Full Circle

Full Circle...He does that you know... He has this way of doing things and bringing them back full circle.  This blog was birthed out of God moving in my life and leading me to one of the sweetest treats... Read all about it here...


http://www.simplygracejen.blogspot.com/2009/08/nevertheless-gods-solid-foundation.html#links


Mary Banks...  is now a friend on facebook and we casually chat.  She hasn't become my greatest confidant...  But... she is a constant reminder that "God Knows My  Name."  Each time she posts and I get an update on her page, I can't help but smile.  All the more lately.

2011 was a hard year for me, I'm not going to lie.  But in that.  In my deepest times, when Satan was speaking lies to me...  The God of the Universe knew my name.  I won't say that I haven't cried tears often, but I will say that he carried me and blessed me.  Yes... blessed me. 

You see...  he cares about my circumstances.  And he took the time to show me that in a way I can't even begin to explain.  In doing so, he also shared a bit of his heart for the victims of human traffficking. 

Many of you know I help lead the Compel Women's Conference (www.compelconference.org)  Well after last January's conference we met and laid out our theme for this year.  You guessed it... HE KNOWS MY NAME.  We had already lined up 2 fantastic speakers to speak on abandonment, human trafficking and most importantly RESTORATION....  At that point, I didn't know that my family would be in need of some of that very restoration in such a major way. 

As we walked through 2011, he led us on a journey like none before.  To see his had so clearly upon things and using them for his good, even though they seemed devestating was an assurance to me that HE knows each of our names and that is just the begining of what he knows about us....

I have been able to walk alongside a client who was held captive in so many ways....  many of which I would label trafficking.  I've walked through tough stuff with Emma, I've been able to attend conferences that speak to the issue of trafficking and make connections.  And I begin a season of preparation. 

We are just a couple weeks out from the conference now, and I'm reflecting.  You see, in 2009 when I met Mary Banks and in 2005-2006 when I first say her article in that magazine and checked her out...  Even then, God was preparing me and working through his plan.  WHAT IF... I hadn't listened.  What if I never checked her out, or e-mailed her in boldness to see how I could pray for her.  What if I hadn't been bold enough to speak to her at the conference and see if she remembered me?  God would still have moved, but I'd have missed out on so much blessing of know him more.  You see, it's not about Mary Banks.... it's about God speaking to me and loving me.  He wants that with each of us...

One of the songs on my blog is "I want to be in Eden."  It's a reminder to me that God brings things full circle and that we will be in an eternal "Eden" because of what he has done for us.  And we read in Revelation that he has a new name for us that only he knows... written on a white stone.  That gives us an entirely new way of thinking of "He Knows My Name."  Ponder that for a while... 


Thank you Jesus. Thank you for how you orchestrate things that we can't even imagine. How if we wait patiently for you, you bring things full circle. God I'm sorry for the plans that you had for me that I missed because I wasn't listening.   And Jesus, I can't wait for heaven, for "eden".  I can't wait to see the name you have written for me.  Use me as a blessing during my earthly time...

25 Days of Christmas

So... this post is a few days over due... my apologies!

Each year for Christmas our family does something for someone else as Tom's Christmas gift.  My husband is an amazing man, and he decided quite some time ago that he didn't want any "thing" for Christmas.  I can still remember the first time that Kendra, Matt and I did this.  We adopted a family through ATLAS and dropped off a bunch of gifts at our church for them to pick up.  I also remember the tears in their daddy's eyes when he read the note that we gave him as his gift.  You know it is a great gift when it makes a grown man cry! 

Anyway... every year it is a challenge to find something that I think will be special to him.  I've been praying about this... and then it came to me.  Our kids have been loving the 25 days of Christmas commercial on ABC.  (Also their every night Christmas shows have found us in front of our tv as a family (minus the big kids:-(ALOT more than usual!)  Here's a link to the song.  It's not uncommon to hear one of the little Sandbulte's running around the house singing this tune... 

http://abcfamily.go.com/specials/25-days-christmas/videos-details/promos/the-band-perry/pl_PL5564978/vd_VD55153398

As Emma was singing it the other day, it came to me.  25 days of Christmas.  25 days of giving of ourselves.  Each day Tom tells the little kids to be Jesus and make a difference in someone's life today.  When I drop them at school, that's the final parting...

So what does 25 days of Christams look like as a gift?  Well... that's where you all come in.  I'm challenging our kids (big and little) to do something that makes a difference in someone's life each day until Christmas and to record it.  I'd LOVE for you to join us.  Maybe challenge your family as well.  And I'll be posting here each day and on facebook.  Join in and share your comments.  And then, when we celebrate the arrival of Jesus as a baby on Earth to reign as our Savior, we will have a heart that is operating in loving our neighbors. 

Please keep in mind it doesn't have to cost money, or be a "thing".  It's really just about looking around us with different eyes and doing things for others. 

So...

Day 1 - Dec. 1 - Thursday night is Harp & Bowl night.  I had the privelage of leading prayer.  As I closed, I felt the Lord speaking a verse to me about the hem of his robe.  I prayed into that at the closing not knowing what it was really about.  My friend Wendy was there and I hadn't connected with her since before Thanksgiving.  Wendy is going to India for Christmas to minister to disabled Orphans.  Instead of being with her family.  WOW huh???  Well... As we hugged and chatted briefly she shared that verse had spoke a great deal to her.  Where was it from...  Believe it or not... I had forgotten by then - Isaiah 5 I think.  When I went back to my seat I looked it up.  Isaiah 6.  nuts... so back to her I went to share the right reference.  It was really a little thing.  REALLY.  But as I think of Thursday and what was a blessing to someone else, that is definately what comes to mind.   

Day 2 - Dec. 2 - I was with a couple of friends and we went to DesMoines to meet with our COMPEL Conference (www.compelconference.blogspot.com) speaker.  I bought lunch... (OK that isn't it the part I'm talking about!)  2 of the ladies insisted on paying me for their part.  I had fully intended to buy lunch as I had called the meeting.  So.. I told them if they wanted to leave the money it would turn into a tip for the waiter.  (Who by the way was very gracious in letting us sit at his table for 3 hours in Jordan Creek Mall at the Cheesecake Factory during a Friday Christmas lunch rush!)  We left before he saw it... but I'm sure this young man was pleased with his tip that was nearly $30 (I'm guessing - I didn't even count it. 

Was it tempting to pick it up and think... he doesnt need THAT big of a tip....  sure.  But really???  My intentions were the same the entire time.... to buy lunch.  If they chose to contribute (or insisted) then why would I not leave it for him...

Dec 3 - We had our first snow of the season today.  (And a swim meet an hour away)  Emma stayed at my moms house and had a hay day!  After I had gotten home on slick roads, it was nearly dark and the boys were coming in from playing in the snow with a friend.  Little Emma cried and cried because she had been begging to do a snow angel when she got home.  Try as I might, I couldn't convince her brothers to go out with her.  SO... on went the snow gear, and MOMMY went out with her and did the snow angel (OK - reality time - mommy was not so happy about all this at this point! But I couldn't bear to see her so sad!)  A snow angel turned into a snowball fight and the neigbors coming to play.  Before I knew it the neighbor kids were over.  And on a glistening winter night our neighborhood came alive with laughter and memories. 


So you see... they are little things.  But things that make a difference.  In total.. I've spent - oh yeah... $0.  No black Friday sale, no standing in line, and no bills to pay after Christmas.... 

Ok - today is a new day... Can't wait to begin this journey with all of you.   Praying blessings over you as you become a blessing to someone else. 

What does God think about me?

Today as I was getting ready for our Simple Talk Bible Study at noon, I reread chapter 5 of Renee Swope's Confident Heart. 

And what jumped out at me is something that I am still processing.  I don't have my book here, so I'm going to paraphrase

How often do we, throughout the day, worry what someone else will think of us?  Either consciously or subconsciously?  Who are we really trying to please.  Usually it is someone else... Our boss, our spouse, or friends, etc. The list goes on and on.  We may shift throughout the day of who we are trying to please and who we are worried about thinking less of us. 

But in reality, how often do we first think "what does God think of me"  For many of us, that seems almost scary to say.  But really, shouldn't we be living our life every minute of every day asking that question.  Who are we really living for?  What are we living for?  Many of us would answer that question with God.  But do our actions reflect that? 

When I get dressed each morning, and think about my day, Am I REALLY getting dressed to impress God? 

When I get upset with Emma cuz she won't let me fix her hair.... is that for God?  or to impress someone else? 

When I change twice for church cuz I can't decide what to wear....  (ok - or maybe what fits, but still...) is that for God? 

When I read facebook instead of my bible... Is that for God? 

When I buy Christmas presents, but then hesitate to give someone money to go to Haiti... Is that for God? 

I think you see where I'm going with all this.  Even in our best intentions, we are missing God in so many ways.  Don't ask me why, but this was VERY convicting to me today.  I want to go deeper with the Lord, and yet so many of my day to day decisions are shallow and for the wrong reasons. 

I don't want to be lukewarm... I want to be hot.  I want my first thought and my last thought of the day to be honoring to God.  I want more of him and less of me. 

Lord I thank you for humbling me in new ways today.  For helping me to see how afraid I am of being sold out fo ryou and not pleasing man.  Guide me God.  Give me eyes to see what you see when you look at me!   

Diversity.... and Adveristy.

Such a big word... diversity.  And yet a word that I'm not sure I can even begin to understand or explain.  I have been struck this weekend by the diversity in my life, and how it's easy to "miss" it. 

As I pray about Thanksgiving and the upcoming Christmas season, I've taken some time to reflect on the blessings of 2011.  It has been a year of both diversity and adversity.  And I can either focus on the adversity and be a downer, or I can look at the diversity and count my blessings.

You see, diversity is more than looking at someone's skin color.  I have met many people who are of a different "color"  of skin.  Looking superficially is something that we do too often.  Both of others and of ourselves.  Much of our adversity this year has been the result of polished, clean cut professionals who may look and sound like heros. 

True diversity is what's on the inside.  It's not just an issue of what the outside looks like, it's what's on the inside.   This weekend I had the opportunity to sit with my neighbor and learn how to make Egg Rolls.  Authentic eggrolls.  But the diversity wasn't in the cooking, it was in the conversation.  We talked about what faith had looked like to her in her lifetime.  Growing up in Laos meant a compeltely different worldview on faith and church.  It was a great conversation and I learned so much.  One thing she said to me is... "I hate it when people say... there is no hope for people in this religion or that religion, or they say they will never change.  They don't know the power of God.  I know what change is."  Wow - rock my world, diverse thinking.  You see, I may think that in my world, I have encountered adversity... but I have always known God.  I haven't been buddist, or muslim, or, or, or...  And yet I get the privelage of sitting at the table with a dear group of people who know diversity in a way I could never understand.

And then we began talking about her home country and her family.  The heart that she has for her people and what she has experienced and they are experiencing... that's adversity.  My 2011 holds nothing compared to what other "non-westerners" go through as a part of normal life... 

As I reflect tonight and pary into how I can better have eyes to see true diversity and adversity, I'm reminded of a "moment" I had with God while we were in Cancun last February.  The verse he set on my heart was Isaiah 30:21
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”
So, my challenge in adversity is to continue to move forward in faith, and to pray for Ears to hear God calling me and then be obedient when he speaks.  Just as I had ears to hear completely differently yesterday when the language spoken was so different I couldn't identify one word....  when he prompted me to ask hard questions and my reality was shook by the responses I heard.  Lord... give me ears to hear... 

What about you???  are you listening when he is saying... This is the way; walk in it! 

He's Calling

Over the past few months, God has been moving in my life.  He's calling.  My answer lies in waiting. 

You see, their is this term - Human trafficking.  And I've come to realize a portion of how it sickens God.  And I can never be the same.  I didn't learn it through statistics, or videos, or conferences.  Instead, as I was enduring and calling out, He welled up deep within me.  And showed me that I was only feeling a portion of what he feels.  Honestly, I can't put into words how it felt, how it feels today, or what it might look like going forward.  Pain for both the Earthly and heavenly realms were revealed.  And... never, ever will I be the same. 

You see... it's here.  Right here, in our communities.  Not in third world countries, not in the BIG cities in the US, but right here.  And... it's in the big cities and third world countries. 

Let me share some things I learned at a conference in Grand Rapids Michigan in late September...

*  Ever 30 seconds, of every day, a person is trafficked. 
*  AMERICA is the 3rd highest destination country for trafficked in children. 
*  1 women in the sex trade is worth $250,000 to their pimp.  It's not about sex... this problem is largely due to money.  Imagine if you had 100 of these women working what your annual income would be. 
*  Every month in Atlanta GA, 3000 children trafficed. and in New York - 3500.  (that is more children trafficked in just New York that women that die of breast cancer each year!)
*  Many of the "enforcers" are women.  They lure and keep the others in line.
*  100,000 - 300,000 minors/kids per year in the US trafficked.
*  Avg. age is 12 - older girls are recruiting 8-9 year olds.
*  Of women in prostitution - only 8% of those using drugs did so before they got into prostituion.  92% started taking drugs after they were already being prostituted.
*  Strippers have more post tramatic stress than prostitutes - because of what they say to them!


Places trafficking happens....
*  Political conventions
*  Rose Bowl - estimate 10,000 women trafficked in for it
*  South Dakota Hunting Season
 

WE NEED TO REALIZE THAT THIS IS HAPPENING IN AMERICA....  and everywhere else.  God's heart is breaking.  I can't tell you the number of times I have sung and prayed - break my heart for what breaks yours...  When that happens, well... wow.  The GOOD news is... I have Jesus.  and Jesus whooped Satan.  And his holy spirit lives in me and guides me.  With God all things are possible.  When we look at the statistics, it seems impossible to make a difference.  BUT.... Wait....  if we make a difference for just one, then praise God.... 

As I listened to my dear friend Niki talk today, I was struck by one thing.  IF we are overwhelmed and don't know where to start... we can start with one thing... PRAYER.  We can all do that.  If we pray for this topic, God hears.  He heard for Niki and spared... and he loves the prayers of his saints... 

Lord God, hear our prayer as well look for guidance on what to do in the midst of this tradegy.  Let us, your people, your church, rise up and fight.  Help us to be who you are calling us to be and to see clearly what that means. God, as we fall on our knees in prayer, we ask that the heavenlies shift.  That your heart is moved, and that Satan is bound.  We ask boldly that you would rescue children even tonight right here God.  And don't just rescue them, deliver them and restore them.  Only you can bring restoration.  For each of these young ones, surround them with a shield of angels! 

Let Everything that has breath... Praise the Lord

Oh, how I love summer.  Sunshine and warmth are my friends.  This summer has been especially busy for some reason.  Perhaps it's kids getting bigger, perhaps its been spending time working on the HOME building, perhaps it's because my step son is at basic training for the Marines and we're counting down the days til we see him, perhaps it's because I've had so many good God moments that are keeping me charged and going. 

Today is a log of some of the spiritual ah-has I've had... 

Following some stuff with Emma, I was crying out to God one Sunday in church for her emotional well being.  God chose to touch me in a way that said... now you can see a piece of my heart, in part you feel what I feel.   And I did.  In the core of my being, I could feel his sadness and grief and pain for each of the children that are trafficked each day.  And just that brief glimpse of his heart was more than I could handle.  I was nearly sick.  Literally.  Oh....  words don't describe what happened to me in that moment, but to say that I'm changed forever is an understatement. 

And then...
I was able to take in Beth Moore and pray for hurting people that came forward, and feel God saying how much he loved me in such a joy filled way that it is still overwhelming.  He whispered to me that Emma will get "better" and my weepy eyes just stood in awe at how much he truly loves each of his children.  I also got got bond with three new friends.  Friends from the http://www.compelconference.blogspot.com/ - Compel Women's Conference, and sisters at heart.  Leila, Jill and Michelle, thanks for the fun and laughter.  Jill - next time, we're taking a map:-) 

June also held healing for my husband.  He wrecked his shoulder and when I left for Beth Moore, was literally unable to move.  Through the prayer of faithful kids (and others along the way) 24 hours later he was able to have full range of motion, no pain, and able to use it normally.  The crazy thing about healing is that we always believe it is for someone else.  And when you are healed... it's very humbling.  We processed and praised and stood in awe.  And then... my macho man was flipping a countertop (he makes concrete countertops) and hurt it AGAIN.  (It's ok to roll your eyes - I did!)  This time, God's holding out on healing..

Tom and I have been able to do some fun studies together.  We're meeting with a group on Sunday nights studying revelation and are loving it.  New perspectives and mroe anticipation for what God has in store for us!  

July held camp for my boys in Kansas City.  (And meant I got to spend 5 days (yes I said 5!) in the prayer room in Kansas City.  Emma bonded with her daddy, and I had from 9:30 in the morning until 9:00 each night to be with the Lord.  (oh, and some great girlfriends too!)  To sit at his feet and rest and soak in sweet music.  To pray and process.  To love Him.  While there I was able to be a part prayer with and over some Messianic Jews.  My heart was moved in deep places.  And to meet with some people at Exodus Cry.  (Check them out - awesome work with human trafficking!)  and to be prayed over and feel affirmations from God.  Such a blessing for me.  But for my kids... OH MY!!!  Blessing doesn't even begin to touch it.  To be surrounded by on fire kids from all over the world and to learn to pray and worship...  to commit to 1/2 hour of dedicated prayer a week... to pray healing over strangers... wow, the list could go on and on....  Such a stretch for them, but such a blessing. 

And last week, we were blessed with a teriffic family vacation.  (Well, without Kendra and Matt, but it was still pretty fun!)  Surrounded by God's beauty we swam and fished and boated. 

It's amazing to me how God blesses us and how we miss it.  Tom and I have walked thorugh some storms in the past year, but we can look back and see his hand upon us and his blessings is so many ways...  At times, breathing seemed a struggle and yet the passage, let everything that has breath... takes on new meaning.  We will praise the Lord.  In good times and bad.  In the dark night or in the brightness of sunny days. 

I pour my love on you...

God's love is so lavish.  And sometimes he pours it on us.  I'm just back from a trip to Lincoln Nebraska for a You Lead conference and Beth Moore live. 

I'm not going to write in detial tonight, as I'm just processing.  You see, Beth was great, but what was so amazing to me was how I was able to witness God pouring His love on me. 

Honestly girls....  it has undone me.  From Thursday when I connected with one of the speakers in a way that is hard to describe (but will hopefully mean we can continue to build a relationship and share passions!) to the love poured out on me by our generous hosts Michelle and Leila.  (It was so Christ's love that they showed in their hospitatlity.)  I mean their is being nice and letting someone stay, and then there is lavishing them with love.  The latter is what we received.  Thinking of these two girls and the amazing time with them makes me sad I'm gone!  (Good thing I have a family at home, or they'd be stuck with me!) 

And then their is Jill.  She is a new friend from Sioux City that rode and stayed with me.  Although we've only known each other personally for a very short time, it seems like a lifetime.  We too connected in a way that will never be forgotten and will surely be friends for a lifetime! 

Walking into the stadium on Friday afternoon knowing that 4000 women would be there and that I would have a chance to minister one on one to some of them during prayer time was overwhelming.  All the chairs were empty.  It was just surreal and I remember thinking... why are you blessing me like this.  Little did I know that this was the beginning of his blessing for me! 

Front row seats right next to where Beth sat, awesome worship, great teaching.... wow...  I mean honeslty, during worship time on Friday night I was just lifting my hands and literally praising and say thank you to the Lord all at the same time.  It wasn't just all of the reallly cool special blessings... it was the Holy Spirit I felt.  With 4000 women in the room, it was just Jesus and I and him surgin through me saying - I did all this for you because I love you and I knew you needed it.   And NEED it I did. 

So... he Poured his love on me.  He didn't sprinkle it or mist it, or toss it, or dump it.  Like a warm shower after working hard outside all day.  It was refreshing and warm and I kept wanting to stay in it because it felt so good. 

More will come on this but for now.... I soaking in what he poured out on me and savoring it. 

I'm humbled that my God love sme this much that he pours himself out on me jsut when I need it! 

The few... the proud... the Marines!

Goodbyes are not really my thing.  I cry when I even watch someone else have to say goodbye!

This week, we took Matt to the airport and said goodbye.  Goodbye, not because we wouldn't see him again, or because it was bad.  Goodbye, because the guy that we dropped off will never be back.  He will be way different when he returns. 

Don't get me wrong, different is good.  BUT....  when you love someone and love who they are, and don't know for sure what "different" will look like... or what has to happen to him to create different... it's a bit of a process.

The good news is that our soon to be Marine is SO... excited.  He has wanted this for a long time, and had a peace and calmness to him.  He knows it will be hard, no doubt about it!  But... he also knows that this is what he wants to do.  For the first time, it's what he wants and is totally committed to.  Not what he's willing to "try". 

Matt is a great kid.  So often I think of those going to the Marines as "needing" to go.  He didn't need to go.  He could be successful at whatever he put his mind to.  But he chose to go.  Because it's a dream of his.  I'm not sure what God puts in those who desire to serve and protect their country, and more importantly their family, but Matt definitely got a good dose of it. 

So, we stand in prayer.  Specifically we are praying the breastplate of righteousness and the helmet of salvation over him.  That God would protect his heart and his mind.  That the things that need to be transformed within them to make him into his likeness, that God has planned for him, would be transformed, but that doubt and fear and the ugliness from Satan shall not pass! 

To those of you who join us in prayer, thanks.  As a parent we always want to help our kids in any way we can.  As a step-parent, it's not only wanting to help Matt, but also Tom.  Watching a dad process this and aching for him in a different way is a totally different experience.  The countdown has started, and SOON, we'll have a Marine in our family!