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Making the change.

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And then things changed...

Fear not, for I have redeemed you.  I have summoned you by name, you are mine. 

I'm pretty sure Tom had never heard me cry so hard.  I literally felt like I was gasping for air, and that I might puke.  Funny how life can change in a matter of a few hours (or maybe minutes!) 

In case you don't know, 20 days ago, my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. Well, technically it's called CNS Lymphoma, but unless medicine is your thing, it all kind of blurs together. 

Up until tonight, I have stayed away from my blog.  Kind of felt like it was a bit to raw.  Lots to process for me, and publicly didn't seem the place for that.  (Along  with caring bridge site to keep up, and other things going.) 

I can't explain the numb feeling I've had.  Not angry, not asking why, none of that.  Just floating along feeling numb.  Mostly because if I feel at all, the I cry and let my thoughts go where they needn't go.  It feels like life is going in slow motion, but that everyone else kind of just keeps going at their normal pace.  There are days you kind of want to shout, doesn't anyone see me drowning here, but then  realize - hey I'm OK.  Tom has had more than his fair share of "let me snuggle and cry myself to sleep" nights. 

You see, this always happens to someone else.  (cliche I know!)  But seriously, typically I hear about something like this and then call my mom and process with her.  (Yeah, we talk everyday, pathetic I know!)  Now it is her, and I'm in a different role.

The good thing is, all in all, we have LOTS to be optimistic about.  AND mom has a great outlook.  The bad thing is, she can say all the right words, but I know her likely better than anyone.  And when I look in her eyes, I see the fear.  I see her heart aching and her thinking she needs to be strong for me and everyone else.  But her eyes give her away.

Today was mom and dads anniversary.  44 years.  Although she says the right words, her eyes told me something else.  They told me that she is working really hard to hide her fear.  Her prognosis is great for her condition.  It's just that she is human and we all struggle with wondering - what if. 

So tonight I'm praying that the lord will arrange just what he needs to be able to say what I see in her eyes.  To be able to share with me, or dad, or my brother, or whoever will be divinely appointed.  So often, if we can say it,it takes away the scary part a bit 

Please continue to pray healing for her.  Physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  And for me too:-)